beautiful, are you afraid to die?
no. i'm not afraid. im afraid to die painfully. suffering. i'm terribly scared of that. instant death must be a blessing. i've been under anesthesia a few times, my most recent time i became horribly depressed afterwards. going under felt like heaven. i think the best way to die would be to go under the heaviest anesthesia and die instantly painful deaths scare me more than anything. especially torture. they keep you alive while you're in so much pain. hopefully you end up going into shock. they saying being trapped in a falling elevator is an extremely painful way to die, because your guts keep moving even if your body stops, and they'll tear out the bottom of your body, and you can watch it all happen because your head is intact. a blood angel also seems extremely horrific. pig-gutted is also terrible. i've seen videos of pigs dying in gas chambers, the sounds they make are terrible.they scream like babies and try and shove their faces out of the cages, before spasming on the floor and falling still. i am more afraid of the pain in remaining alive than the death that results from it.
earthly consciousness is purgatory. how could it not be? why do people become victims of rape, torture, trafficking, and agony? why do people commit suicide? why are children hurt in such torturous ways? there are only two answers. the first, that life is senseless, meaningless, and there is no meaning to our thoughts and feelings, man is the one who is his own tormentor. the second, that life is purgatory. there is no way to continue consciousness without suffering or neglect in some way. needs cannot be entirely and completely filled forever at the max. my belief is that death is one big anesthesia. and there is a hell.
finding hope or enjoying life can make one afraid of death. and i think they have a right to be afraid. losing the only thing you've ever known that has stimulated you is terrifying to some people. like ripping away a newborn from the breast, they cannot imagine their life without things that make them feel. they're not weak for feeling attatched to consciousness, its the only thing they've ever been, and most of the time they've never been through any amount of pain. or the case is that they've experienced the death of a loved one, and their absence terrified them.
how terrible and cruel it is to be alive. to look at oneself in the mirror and recognize you are nothing but willow reed bones and purple meat and fat and sugar. and there we sit inside, cradled by the pink tule ballerina tutu you heaved over your bony baby hips and danced with on the dirty carpet floor with bruises fingerpainted all over your almond skin. they'll let you melt in the cold sun, watch you suffocate, and the tule will turn to mush and faded grey rags that you still stitch together, laboring over lost baby-hood trying to piecing together any semblence of meaning for being in so much pain. but you are a coconut shell, and the meat inside is soft and rotted. it no longer spits milk when you break it, you just foam at the mouth, silent as they break you on rocks and punch knots in your stomach.
why must we maintain corporeal forms. i am so unimaginably exhausted with being alive. who would ever want to live. i am so tired. i am the last bit of breath in a baby black bird's body. two boys with pellet shotguns shoot me over and over again, and for some reason i will not die, i want to so badly, even when my eyes burst from my head and my bird intestiens splatter into all the dips of the worn down asphalt, i am still breathing shallow breaths, and my pain makes me heavy.
DON'T YOU GET IT!!!! YOU'RE HURTING ME!!!! IT HURTS!!!! YOU'RE KILLING ME!!!!!!
why do humans fear death so much. why is it not the pain and torutre that coems with consciousness. why do you think heaven will save you? do you really think there is a heaven to accomodate every single fucking consciousness out there? with so many beliefs so many wants so many desires so much hatred and so much injustice do you really fucking think there's even a slight possibility that heaven is real? life is pointless suffering, and the only thing that makes sense is complete release. a nothingness. in my suicidal psychotic episodes i have taken so much solace and comfort in the knowledge that death is literally an obliteration of the soul. how else do you cope with life being so painful? how can heaven accomodate every single person ever with the evolution of technology and ideologies and thought? how do you have a heaven at all with so many people? each consciousness has its own thoughts and desires which aren't compatible with so many others so how do you have a perfect balance of souls where everyone is content? is there no ambrosia? is heaven just mind numbing peaceful boredom? what kind of eternal existence is that? ow.... you're hurting me!!!!!!! it hurts!!!!!!!!! is every painful memory amalgamated into a simple nothingness? who are we but our suffering? we cannot have both. there can be no merciful god with how much suffering there is, yet there can be no angels without suffering. what is the meaning to the pain? pay off? what constitutes who gets punished? are we divinely chosen? what is justice? what is life? are you afraid to die? why? is complete obliteration so terrifying? you won't even be conscious to register it? you will simply shut off. like going to sleep. how easy is that? how peaceful!!!! how wonderful!!! it is truly a miracle to die!!!!
what is the point of being alive. to lose things? to cry and be in pain forever? to be a mindless pig slave to oligarch's profits? i want to die. so badly. loving and holding onto all the small happiness pieces of my life is barely enough. i tried to hang myself this autumn. it didn't work. my face and senses went fuzzy and numb but i didn't die. i couldn't even choke myself out or break my neck. i can't take this anymore. does it ever get better? no. just more pain and more realization that you are failing and that the pursuits of working are fruitless pointless and nothing but suffering. I want to die so bad. I just wish I could die. I love and I refuse to lose anymore.